Thoughts and Ramblings
So…
Aug 21st
So… I’ve realized that I’m not doing nearly as much with all this blogging/website stuff as I could. I enjoy it, I really do. Maybe it’s just the knowledge that, given the thousands of blogs on the internet today, who’s reading mine? Anyone, no one, just my mom? (well, that’s not true, I don’t even think my mom knows how to get here…). Anyway, it would be nice if someone out there would let me know that their reading (and perhaps enjoying…?) something on the blog/site. I know I’m sounding pathetic by asking this question, but what’s the point of writing for a silent audience.
Anyway, enough with the useless shit! Yes, that is it for my whiny ramblings… not onto the non-whiny ramblings and thoughts!
I start school in two days, and now that I’m finally this close,
and certain that I’m returning, I don’t feel like I thought I would. When I first started college back in 2005 (before my “little hiatus”), I was excited beyond belief to be crossing the threshold of useless education (grade school) and entering the realm of higher education. Those first two years held up to all my expectations. This time around… I don’t know. I seem to be lacking the expectations of my last foray into college, and I’m not sure why. It could be that, even after three years of searching, I still have yet to find the career path that could truly fill my life without causing the excruciating tedium and boredom of work. Yeah, I think I’ll go with that reason…
Well, I have come to realize that there is one fundamental difference: I’ve changed since the last time I entered the hallowed halls of higher education. I’ve moved out of my parent’s house, worked a real job (god did that suck), and been fucked by the government. I mean, what else is there? There are also a couple walls that will most likely separate me from my peers: I’m going to be balancing a job with a long commute with school, I’m going to be commuting to the college itself, and I’m a good two to three years older than most of my peers will be… Oh well, it will be what it will be…
Speaking of work, I’m now working solely for Executive Protective Services as a Security Agent. It’s good: easy work, good pay, and soon I’ll get to carry a gun. I say soon because I haven’t gone through the Act 235 course (lethal weapon training) yet. I’m starting that next weekend, and I’m looking forward to it. Hell, two weekends with nothing but guns, sounds like fun to me. In about a month or two I’m going to be working (hopefully) for the Jewish History Museum in Philadelphia. Should be a nice gig, especially wince I’ll be able to work on school stuff while I’m there. Still no idea what hours I’ll be working, or what pay rate I’ll be getting, but hey, it’s nice to know that there’s work around the bend.
That covers all the stuff that, well, matters. Onto the fun stuff!
Let’s see, for fun I’ve been playing a lot of Call of Duty (shooting digital things), going to a shooting range and firing off a box or two of ammo with my new S&W40VE (shooting actual bullets, hehe), and in the rest of my time I’ve been relaxing with my pipe, a beer, and a book. It’s been wonderful having so much time to just relax, but I know it won’t last too much longer. Soon I will be going crazy with the amount of schoolwork and actual work that I’m going to be doing, but at least I know it’s all leading somewhere.
Where’s it all leading? Hopefully somewhere around San Fransisco. That’s right, this Texas born, PA raised kid is moving to California as soon as possible (assuming I can find a good job there). Why, you ask? Because the weather there is gorgeous year-round, and the weather here sucks a donkey’s right nut three-quarters of the year. Yeah, I’m looking at you summer heat, and you winter snows. Mid spring and fall I’ll let off the hook, they’re all right. But I digress. California. If all goes perfectly (which, I’ve found, it never does), I’ll get a job with Google (holy shit that would rock!) or Microsoft (still good, but not as mind-bogglingly awesome as Google).
Well, enough of my useless ramblings and updates for the evening. If anyone has any ideas for topics that they think would be interesting for me to tackle, let me know and I’ll work it in. Even if it’s just a single topic that you want my opinion on, or a random diatribe that you would want to read, let me know in the comments section (I guess you could e-mail them to me as well – michael@twilightreverie.com – but comments are more fun).
Thanks for reading, and thanks for visiting the Twilight Reverie!
On Life and Love…
Aug 18th
Well, I figured that I would do a bit of writing (or rambling, you decide) on life and love, or at least of what I have gathered in my 22 years…
The most prominent truth that I have discovered is that life has no concern for us. It will happen when you don’t want it to, it won’t happen when you want it to, and when you finally think you have it figured out, well, that’s when life likes to kick your ass. No matter what you try, life will always go the way it wants. It’s like a raging river…even if you throw a dam up in front of it, that river will eventually find a way through. Either it’s going to shatter your blockade, or it will slip around a different way unnoticed…
Love seems to be very similar: unfair, without care for us or our plans, happening without warning… I have found it very true that the only time that love seems to blossom is when you have finally given up on it. If you’re looking, good luck, but you most likely won’t find true love, just the primal instinct of lust. Really, when you get down to the point, love is really just a pretty, civilized form of lust. Someone decided to take our most primal instinct (to reproduce) and dress it up in a damned tux. Granted, it looks damn good, but it’s a bit stiff…
My biggest question about life and love is this: Why do we care so much about the future? Why, when everything we know could be washed away in the blink of an eye? In the past month I’ve made more progress with living for the day than I have in years. In the past month I’ve driven around aimlessly, just because I wanted to. I’ve gone to visit friends and loved ones at midnight, just to see them smile. I’ve built things just because I could, bought things because I wanted them, went places just because I felt like it. That’s what life should be: a constant adventure. I hate knowing that I have to get up every day during the week to go to work… but at the same time it makes my nights and weekends all the more exciting, since adventure seems much more daring when compared to the dullness of work…
If you’re still reading this, and if you understand what I’m trying to say, I have a challenge for you: live life for the moment, if only for a day. Say yes to a random invite to do something crazy, build something with your own two hands, call up an old friend just to say hi (or better yet, surprise them at work/home), hug a perfect stranger, steal a kiss from that one special person in your life, watch the sunset set its time, listen to a record, go for a walk/drive/bike ride without a destination. Be free. Live for the moment, seize the day, live life, love, scream, cry, laugh, sing… do whatever you need. I promise you, if you take one day to do any (or all if you’re truly ambitious) of this, you won’t regret it, and I’ll bet that you find yourself doing it again next month. Soon you’ll be doing it every week, and eventually you’ll start to wonder where that stick went that was up your ass, and you’ll smile, and you’ll know that you’ve reclaimed the one thing that belongs to only you: your life and your love.
Even when the world seems darkest, there’s always a silver lining. As long as you never give up, and as long as you keep yourself open, things will work out. You never know, lightning could strike and change your world in an instant…
You’re beautiful, never forget that, and never let anyone tell you otherwise.
Random Updates and Rants
Aug 9th
Ok, fair warning, this is going to be all over the place, lol. Still with me? Don’t say I didn’t warn you….
So, where to begin? I started a new story, but you’ll never see it, too strictly based in events in my life that I’m not sure should be shared at the moment. Maybe in a few years, but we’ll see what happens. It’s actually quite beautiful, and if I decide that I can’t use the story as a whole, I’m sure that I’ll use parts of if in some of my other work…
Over and over, over and over,
I fall for you.
Over and over, over and over,
I try not too.
Over and over, over and over,
You make me fall for you.
Over and over, over and over,
You don’t even try to…
I’ve gotten addicted to a new show: Reaper. It’s interesting. It’s a comedy, and the main character (Sam) is a bounty hunter for the devil. The entire show is him catching souls that have escaped from hell, all the while dealing with the fact that his parents sold his soul to the devil, and trying to figure out how he can have his own life while still doing the devil’s work. It’s absolutely hilarious.
Did a lot of random driving around this weekend, something in the ballpark of 300 miles. Didn’t go anywhere, just drove around for a couple of hours. It was refreshing, and exacty what I needed. Listened to really loud music, escaped from all the damned problems and concerns in my life (my job, my personal life, all of it), and just let the road take me wherever…
Not all that much important going on in my life. I’m still trying to figure out if Im going to go into the Air Force ASAP, or if I’m going to stay here and go back to Penn State Berks on my own. Either way I’d be going to school, I guess I’m just waiting around to see if there’s anything worth hanging around here for… There only really one thing that would keep me here, and as of yet it hasn’t even hapened. If it does come to fruition, maybe it would actually be worth hanging around this place a little longer. If it doesn’t, I can’t really see any reason to stay around… There isn’t any commitment or responsibility holding me here, so why not Air Force…? I don’t know, guess I’ll just have to wait around and see…
Still waiting to hear from my aunt about a possible free-lance writing oppotunity, but until I hear from her I’m just assuming that nothing will happen…
Well, that’s it for now, just needed to get some of that out there… Thanks for listening… Until next time!
Snow and Love…
Dec 17th
I’m sure that some poet at some point in the history of the world has drawn this connection before, but I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind:
SNOW and LOVE.
…Snow…
It snowed last night, a real nice storm that turned the roads into a slide and turned the world white. Today I watched as, hour by hour, the white shrank away to reveal a dull brown everywhere. Even though the snow made my travels last night more trecherous than they usual are, I still felt a pang of sadness to see it disappear so quickly. Trees that usually seemed dead suddenly glistened and sparkled after the snow, as if a hand reached down from the sky and covered their branches in jewels. The dirty and cracked sidewalks and streets became a majestic river of beauty for a brief time. Fields of dead grass became rolling oceans of a crystaline heaven. It was spectacular, as it always is.
At the same time as the world was being transformed into this breathtaking landscape, it also became harsh and unforgiving. You had to walk carefully, for every step could send your feet from under you. You had drive even more carefully for fear that the tires would slip and you would roll helplessly into a tree or another car. Nothing was as it seemed. What looked like solid ground was actually a bank of snow, and what looked like water was really ice waiting to teach you to fly before gravity proves you can’t. Everywhere was deception and a chance for pain.
But now it’s gone. It will return in time, but in it’s place there is nothing. Where there were once drifting banks of snow there is now nothing but an empty peice of the sidewalk. Where once there were bejeweled limbs there is simply bare brown branches. Where there was beauty there is now emptiness……
…Love…
*See Snow
Snow and love…both a whirlwind of feelings and happenings, both immensly powerful, both immeasurably brief and fleeting…